BioJock Infinity
by marc12267
Summary: Booker ends up in a floating city full of racism, corruption, lotsa superpower drinks and an annoying mechanic bird who for some reason tries to fuck him up. Watch as he trolls Columbia and beat up bad guys at the same time. Tribute to the original BioJock. Please review.
1. The Lighthouse and Passage to Columbia

_This story is both a crackfic and WIP. It contains lotsa references to movies, comics, TV shows, songs and other games. It contains a barrage of spoilers for those who didn't play the game. The preview after the first line and before the second one is also a spoiler of the story._

_Please leave a review of this story. :)_

_Enjoy!_

_For the story, I don't own the BioShock series. For this chapter, I don't own Skyrim, Microsoft, Team Fortress 2, The Fairly Oddparents, System Shock, Roller Coaster Tycoon 2, Dragonball Z, Dresden Codak, Hide and Seek, E.T. for the Atari 2600, Cthulhu, Portal, Terminator, Frogger, E, Devil May Cry, Shrek and EA._

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><p>Elizabeth: Booker. Are you afraid of E3?<p>

Booker: No. But I'm afraid of EA.

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><p>-THE LIGHTHOUSE AND PASSAGE INTO COLUMBIA-<p>

Booker DeWitt is on a wooden boat with two fisherpeople taking him to a lighthouse.

Booker DeWitt: Umm, hello? Can I get a random box with lousy junk that becomes useful?

A Lady: I shall give him the box.

A Gentleman: No, I should!

2 fisherpeople suddenly start verbally fighting. Booker notices the box on the fisherwoman's right with the top saying "PROPERTY OF BOOKER DEWITT; 7th Cavalry, Arrow In The Knee". He then grabs the box, but the fisherpeople continue fighting. However, for some reason, the boat still perfectly steers to the lighthouse.

Booker DeWitt: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME ASK YOU A GODDAMNED QUESTION, SHITHEADS!

The fisherpeople stop fighting and look at Booker Dewitt.

Booker DeWitt: (mockish whiny voice) Am I there yet?

Both the fisherman and the fisherwoman's necks expand, which translates into "Nope". Their necks go back to normal and the fisherpeople continue verbally fighting.

Booker DeWitt: (sigh)

Booker opens the box he is holding. Inside the box was the password to enter Columbia with a picture of Monument Island on the left side, a gun, a key with a cage photo, 4 silver eagles , a picture of Kimiko Ross, a half-robot half-woman, with young Elizabeth's face, in early 19th century clothing with the words "Elizabeth" on the front and "Bring to New York un-fucked" on the back and New York's location. Finally, the wooden boat docks at the port and Booker exits the boat just as it leaves and the fisherpeople continue fighting.

Booker DeWitt: Those jidiots... What now?

Booker DeWitt is looking at the lighthouse without a light emerging from the top for some reason. He then approaches some silver eagles and eats them. He continues to find a way into the lighthouse. He sees a barrel of silver eagles and eats the contents inside. There, he approaches the entrance to the lighthouse with a note saying "Booker DeWitt, bring us the girl and wipe away the derp!" on the double doors.

Booker DeWitt: I don't know why they mispronounced the word "debt". I'll just bust the fuck into the lighthouse.

Booker DeWitt kicks the double doors open and runs inside. Inside, he sees needlepoint quotes from Comstock, furniture, a map of Columbia's paths around the US, a cabinet where he eats it's contents and the corpse of the reprogrammer of SHODAN located in the third floor with a sack bag covering his head with a note saying "Son, make sure I'm not disappoint.".

Booker DeWitt: Oh god. Now I'm spooked.

At the roof of the lighthouse, Booker finds more silver eagles and eats them. Booker then sees 3 bells with a lightbulb on the top on each one. He then pulls out the Columbian souvenir with the password to Columbia.

Booker DeWitt: (deep breath) Here goes.

Booker DeWitt punches the scroll bell once and the other 2 bells twice. Suddenly, red auras from the sky pop out and then disappear.

Booker DeWitt: What the fuck?

More red auras appear and then disappear. The door with the 3 bell password opens, revealing a red chair in the middle.

Booker DeWitt: Cool! A exciting ride!

Booker DeWitt hops into the chair like a ballerina. Suddenly, his hands are cuffed. He starts to hear the computer voice which is Microsoft Bob's voice.

Computer Voice: Hey. Make yourself ready, pilgrim. The ride will begin shortly.

The chair Booker DeWitt is on flips by 45 degrees, causing him to lose his pistol.

Booker DeWitt: GODDAMNIT! GIVE ME BACK MY GUN, YOU COMMUNIST BASTARD!

Computer Voice: Would you kindly calm down, boyo?

The chair flips by a negative 45 degrees.

Computer Voice: The ride will never end in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

Booker DeWitt: Is this Mr. Bone's Wild Ride? Anyway, here comes the ride!

Booker DeWitt hysterically laughs as the rocket blasts off.

Computer Voice: 1337 feet... Over 9000 feet... Infinite Feet...

Booker DeWitt begins to see his reflection through the circled window as the screen flashes. After the screen flashes, Booker gets his very first ever view of Columbia. The rocket begins to drastically slow down.

Computer Voice: Welcome to your destination, cuntface.

Booker: Wh..Wha?

The rocket begins to fall. Booker then becomes worried.

Booker: I hope it doesn't do some shit like crash...

The rocket's parachute activates.

Booker: Phew.

The rocket then lands safely and begins to slowly descend. Inside the Church of Comstock, Booker sees a first batch of text reading "Why would he send his savior unto us." He hears a beautiful lady sing "Hide and Seek" by Imogen Heap.

Booker: Huh?

Booker sees more English gibberish he doesn't want to read.

Booker: This is just as stupid as E.T. for the Atari 2600! No offense, Christians.

The text "And the prophet shall lead the people to Black Mesa" was the last thing he did not want to see before the rocket stops descending and the top middle bind opens. Booker jumps out of the rocket just like Frogger.

Booker: That...was...amazing. What the fuck is this.

Booker is looking at a glass paint of Comstock, surrounded by poor non-Columbians, pointing at Columbia with the same text above.

Booker: Better stop looking at this piece of crap..

Booker runs away from the glass painting, screaming. He then bumps into a hateful-looking statue which barely resembles a human Cthulhu.

Booker: Oh shit...

Booker runs to the left door on the left of the stupid statue. There, he sees chairs, a glass painting of Lady Comstock with Chell's face, a podium and even more silver eagles.

Booker: Hmmph.

He then runs to the podium and eats the silver eagles. He walks right and finds another painting of Lady Comstock in a different style with a table with a Voxophone on top.

Booker: I wonder what it is...

Booker eats the Voxophone. Suddenly, it starts playing.

Lady Comstock: (recording) Love the sinner, because he loves Dante. Love Dante, because he is a dick. Without Dante, what need is there for a redeemer? Without Shrek, what grace has forgiveness?_  
><em>

Booker: Lame. I want my time back. I BETTER GET THE HELL OUT OF THAT CUMSTOCK CHURCH!

Booker runs from the church room screaming like a child and approaches a pseudo-Christian.

Booker: WHERE THE FUCK IS THE EXIT?!

Pseudo-Christian: The exit is when you are baptized. Also, it's heaven unless Judgement Day happens.

Booker: Okay.

Booker deliberately falls down the spiral staircase. He avoided seeing several glass paintings and lights. When Booker reaches the end of the staircase, he looked as horrible as a BioShock Splicer.

Booker: Ugh. That was horrible. And why the hell am I seeing far angel statues?!

Booker runs like a child again, this time going straight to the baptism pool.

Preacher Witting: And every year on this day of days, we-

Booker: EXCUSE THE SHIT OUT OF ME!

Preacher Witting: Ahhh...another one, ehh?

Booker: Oh.. wait... I'm starting to see hallucinations!

In Booker's POV, he begins to see Preacher Witting look and sound as horrible as the first Splicer seen in the first BioShock game. He even starts to refer non-Columbia as the "Parasite World". The prayers in his sight begin to look as horrible as the other Splicers too. The place in his sight begin to look ruined and deteriorated as well.

Preacher Witting: Another one from the Parasite World?

Outside of Booker's POV, nothing looks like what it looks like in Booker's POV.

Booker: Jack! Halp!

Preacher Witting: It's okay, brother. Nothing wrong will happen you.

Booker's POV reverts to what it was before Witting mentioned him as "another one".

Booker: Oh, sorry. I need passage to the city.

Witting: Oh bro, you need to go through rebirth through the sweet waters of baptism.

Several prayers begin to repeat "Praise the lord" several times.

Booker: Fine...

Cut to Witting baptizing Booker 2 times. On the 2nd time, he accidentally drowns Booker, but nobody notices.

What will happen next?


	2. Trollin' Columbia

_I don't own Mario, Apollo 13, Paperboy, Panic Face King, the Carousel of Progress, Burial at Sea Episodes 1 and 2, Dragonball Z, Star Wars and Guardians of the Galaxy. Again, I don't own Skyrim._

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><p>Booker: Daisy, look. I've got your weapon bullshit and-Hold up.<p>

Booker sharply turns back.

Booker: Hey creep! Whatcha' lookin' at?!

A Rapture-era Elizabeth, wearing black high heels, stockings, black skirt, white hoodless sweater, red bowtie and a different hairstyle, inside an elevator behind the one Booker and 1912 Elizabeth are in, starts crying.

1958 Elizabeth: (sobbing) Booker... How...could you?

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><p>-EXPLORING COLUMBIA-<p>

In his dream, Booker finds himself in a black-and-white familiar office with familiar stuff scattered in a familiar style. An unknown G-major voice politely asks Booker.

Voice: Bring us the girl, and wipe away the derp.

Booker: It's debt, you English class failures!

Voice: Mr. DeWimp? MR. DEWIMP! OPEN THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW!

Booker: Why the fuck are you saying my name in an inappropiate way?!

Voice: We've had a deal, Me. DeWimp.

Booker: Fine...

Voice: Bring us the girl, and wipe away the derp.

Booker: SHUT UP! I WILL!

Instead of going to the door near him, he goes to the door with his name on it.

Booker: Here goes...

Voice: Bring us the girl, and wipe away the derp.

Booker: DAMNIT! You ruined my act!

Booker kicks the door open, only to see New York being invaded by Columbia, and several zeppelins.

Booker: Oh shit...

One zeppelin fires a shot at his familiar office.

Booker: GOD HELP! I'D BETTER GET OUT OF-

Booker suddenly wakes up surrounded by the Founding Fathers of the United States, in the form of statues and 3 prayers praying in front of George Washington's statue.

Booker: ...here. Preacher Witting? More like Preacher Shitting.

Booker walks through the garden of the Church of Comstock as he tries to avoid hearing pilgrims praying. Suddenly, he bumps into a set of double doors.

Booker: Ooh! Why do they spontaneously keep on popping the fuck out?! Anyhow, let's stop screwing the fuck around and enter Columbia.

Booker slowly presses on the doors. He then pushes then open and gets his first clear view of Columbia's section. It was New Eden Square. It looked beautiful compared to Rapture in BioShock 2. He sees a monument of Comstock wielding a cutlass, happy citizens happily singing "It's a Great Big Beautiful Tomorrow", a hot dog stand, giant flying oval balloons and of course, floating buildings.

Booker: Unbelievable... City at the top of Lakitu clouds? Ridiculous. Ooh! Hot dogs!

Booker runs to the hot dog stand, knocks the stand operator unconscious and then throws his body out of Columbia and then eats all the hot dogs.

Booker: Huh. I wonder if I keep trolling Columbia...

Booker runs up to the newspaper kid and kicks him in the dick. Booker runs away, hysterically laughing as the newspaper kid cries.

Booker: Man, that was funny! I should play dress-the-fuck-up at the clothing store!

Inside Hudson's Fine Clothing, Booker, wearing young Elizabeth's clothing and a girl wig, eats a Voxophone while 2 men stare at him.

Man #1: Hudson, we have a problem. Why is he wearing that? And why the hell is he eating Voxophones?!

Hudson: I don't know. Maybe he could be a False Shepard or a True Shithead...

Comstock: (recording) And then, the Archangel showed a vision: a shitty city, lighter than The Empire Strikes Back. I asked her, "Why do you show this shit to me, archangel? I'm not a strong man. I'm not a righteous man. I am not a holy man." And she told me the most remarkable thing: "You're right, Prophet. But if grace is within the grasp of one such as you, how can anyone else not see it in themselves?"

Booker: (groans) (clears throat) (high-pitch) Anybody willing to take photos of me?

Booker, now wearing his regular clothing, is thrown out of Hudson's Fine Clothing.

Booker: Okay, enough trolling. Let's run to the raffle. Ooh! Money!

Booker runs to the benches to eat more silver eagles. As he walks into the streets, he begins to hear mentions of the Vox Populi, see children playing and Automated Stallion stampedes.

Booker: Ugh. This city is full of impossibru, impractical and childish pieces of shit.

Suddenly, he approaches a parade. The parade consists of 3 history-themed floats with the first one saying, "A vision of a groot city!", the second being "The prophet Comstock leads his people out of the Sodumb Below!" and the third and last being "A miracle little shit is born, the future of the city is secured as fuck!"

Parade Narrator: After the victory at Arrow In The Knee, the asshole Columbia did present herself to Fucker Comstock and show him a vision of the future. And so our Prophet led the people away from the Sodumb Below, up, up into the city, where they created an even more perfect union. But it was the miracle child, the lamb, that is the future of the shitty.

Booker: This city needs to learn proper-ass English.

The bridge to the raffle opens.

Policeman: All clear. Good luck at the raffle, folks!

Booker just stands there.

Booker: Why the hell aren't they moving? Fine...

Booker runs inside the grocery store just to watch the False Shepard film. As Booker watches, he talks.

Booker: What's with this non-existent False Shepard thing?!

Booker runs to the Chas. A. White Supply business after watching the film. Inside, he eats a medkit and a Voxophone.

Comstock: (recording) One man goes into the waters of baptism. A different man comes out, born again, But who is that man who lies submerged? Perhaps that swimmer is both sinner and saint, until he is revealed unto the eyes of man.

Random Woman: I WANT MONEY! AND MOMMY TOO!

Booker: Shut the fuck up, childish bitch.

Booker then runs outside, only to be interrupted by an annoying quartet.

Booker: What the flying fuck?!

As he continues to run, he sees the Statue of Columbia after stopping.

Booker: Yeah, that's where they said I'd fuck her.

Paperboy: Telegram, Mr. DeFuckingWitt.

Booker: That's my last name, Paperbitch!

Booker laughs while Paperboy stares at him.

Paperboy: Telegram, sir.

Booker stops laughing and then gives a fatal blow to the Paperboy to steal a Telegram from him.

Booker: Paperbitch? Ridiculous too.

Booker flips the telegram. He then reads it.

Booker: "DeFuckingWitt, STOP. Do not alert Cumstock to your presence, STOP. Whatever you do, do not pick #9001." Lutece? Ridiculous as well.

Booker then eats the telegram. he then runs to the telescope and uses it.

Booker: Now where's those 2 assholes...

Booker then looks at the 2 people with opposing genders with the telescope. The man is juggling while the lady is ready to commit suicide. He exits the telescope.

Booker: Huh. (eyes coin) FREE MONEY!

Booker eats the silver eagle on the ground. He then looks at the trash can, where the beer is on. He then runs to it, eats the contents in the trash can and then drinks the whole beer. After that, he chokes a couple near him.

Booker: (laughing) This is so much fun! No time to visit the raffle to waste the shit out of.

Booker runs to the Columbian fair entrance, where he first sees a demonstration of Vigors. Will he get through the fair and get to the raffle? Let's find out on the next chapter!


	3. Fare N' Squair

_This chapter has a poll. You can visit my profile to either enter the poll or view my other fanfics._

_I don't own Pulp Fiction, Burial at Sea Episode 1, The Benny Hill Show, The Next Episode, Back to the Future, Half-Life, Team Fortress 2, Sonic, Cooking Mama and Staples._

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><p>-FARE N' SQUAIR-<p>

Booker finds himself in a array of games and technology demonstrations.

Booker: This is still bullshit.

Bucking Bronco Barker: Young shit, young piss, roll up and try the annoying power of Fucking Bronco!

Booker: ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER! DO YOU SPEAK IT?!

Soon after, everyone is now staring at him, including the Bucking Bronco Barker.

Booker: W..what?

Everyone stops staring and goes back to what they were doing. Booker runs up to the Bucking Bronco game.

Booker: Let's try this at once.

Booker plays the Bucking Bronco game. 1 minute later, he wins at the game.

Booker: That was easy.

He then plays the Skyline Vox game and then gets a score of 20. He wins a bag of silver eagles, which he devoured.

Booker: Mmmm... Yummy.

Booker approaches the 2 boys smokin' weed everyday.

Booker: Hey there, little pussies...

Booker begins to fuck the 2 boys in their pussies. A few seconds later, he stops.

Booker: Haha...

Booker then finds a trash can and eats the silver eagles inside. He then runs to the Voxophone stand.

Voxophone Boothkeeper: Voxophones! Voxophones! Hear your voice from the past and then back to the future!

Booker: Ooh! Can I demonstrate?

Voxophone Boothkeeper: Yes you may, sir.

Booker: Okay.

Booker records on the voxophone.

Booker: What's a voxophone?

Voxophone Boothkeeper: That's correct! A personal voice recording of your ass!

Booker: Oh cool, bro.

Booker finally approaches the Possession Hawker.

Booker: Hey fatass! Gimme some "Bonk!", bitch!

Booker grabs 4 Possession vigors and drinks them all in a single gulp.

Possession Hawker: What the flying fuck is this? I don't even anymore...

Booker starts to feel his vision darken with green lights surrounding it. Then he starts to hear a reversed version of Yakety Sax.

Booker: What the fuck?!

After a few seconds, Booker stops seeing all those weird things.

Booker: Phew.

...When suddenly a Possession vigor tutorial pops out.

Film Narrator: Use this shit to turn assholes into allies!

Booker: 'Kay...

The demo ends. Booker approaches the raffle ticket machine with a robot on it.

Ticket Vendor: Sorry, the raffle's all sold out! Come the fuck back next year!

Booker blasts a handful of Possession onto the machine.

Ticket Vendor: Ahh, isn't that "Sander Cohen"? Come join the party!

The gate opens, revealing the same 2 people Booker saw with the telescope. Booker approaches them then.

Gentleman: Headcrabs?

Lady: Or Tails Miles Prower?

Booker starts to sweat as he is confused.

Booker: Uhh..ehh..urr...

The lady and the gentleman start to chant: "HEADS OR TAILS!"

Booker: I..I...

The duo continues to chant as Booker is getting close to finally making a decision.

Booker: I...choose...! (coldly) Tails.

Slow-mo, Booker grabs the silver eagle and throws it at the lady. The moment the coin hits the lady, she is now blind on her left eye. Everything goes back to normal speed.

Booker: Bye bye, bitches.

Booker runs to the hot dog stand to eat 3 hot dogs as the gentleman starts to cry.

Gentleman: Headcrabs? (Rosalind?)

Back with Booker, he is eating silver eagles out of the 2 trash cans he has just approached.

Booker: Yummy yummy yummy! Why can't this stop? It's so delicious!

Booker runs up to the 2 policemen.

Booker: Hey police!

Policeman #1: What is it?

Policeman #2: What?

Booker: Fuck you two.

Booker runs off laughing.

Policemen: We hate our lives.

The statue Booker is near changes into a stature of a woman.

Booker: What the heck? (eyes Voxophone) FREE MEAT!

Booker eats the Voxophone. Suddenly, it starts playing.

Constance Field: (recording) Madass Lutece - I have read all of your shit on the sciences. Cooking Mama says, "It's not a shit occupation for a lady," but I think she's jealous of our cleverness. Is it true that only you are allowed to fuck the girl in the tower? If the Lamb is lonely, too, I should like to fuck her, as we would have much in common. Coldest regards, Constance.

Booker is then sent into laughter upon hearing the recording.

Booker: Best. Witt. Ever.

Booker hears some singing of "Goodnight, Irene" coming from some distance of some kind.

Booker: Ugh, this city has no originality in music. I'd better run anyways.

Booker begins to run like a maniac. Suddenly, he bumps into a piece of propaganda.

Booker: Hmm... "You shall know the False Shepard... BY HIS MARK!"?

Booker looks at his right hand.

Booker: Oh shit... I BETTER RUN!

Booker runs past the False Shepard propagandumb, the baseball hawker and finally the dollar bill vendor before finally reaching the raffle.

Booker: Huh.

Booker takes one step forwars and the music stops.

Booker: That was unrealistic.

Jeremiah Fink: And now, the 1912 Raffle has officially begun!

Possession Hawker: Sir! Sir!

Booker sees the Possession Hawker again, except now she is hoarding baseballs with numbers on it.

Booker: I want a baseball!

Booker runs up to the girl and grabs a baseball.

Booker: Thank you, pussy.

Booker checks the number on the baseball. The number is #9001.

Booker: Oh man...

Jeremiah Fink: And the winner is... #9001!

Some festival music begins as the curtains reveal the 2 people with different genders and skin color.

Black Woman: Please no!

White Guy: Why?!

Jeremiah Fink: Ahh, looks like we've got a shy one here! Are you going to throw it or are you going to take your coffee black those days? (sarcastic laugh)

Booker begins to sweat as he cannot decide. What will Booker do? You can vote on what action Booker will do on the next chapter in the poll!


	4. Real Action

_Wow. Barely any people voted on the poll. Oh well, I'll manually choose the choice._

_I don't own The Stanley Parable, Half-Life 2, Team Fortress 2, Big Hero 6, Five Nights at Freddy's, The Simpsons, U Can't Touch This, Wreck-it Ralph, MLG, Staples and Ninjabread Man._

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><p>Booker, who is driving The First Lady, sharply looks back, only to see a different woman.<p>

Booker: MARGE! WHO IS THIS HANDSOME WOMAN?!

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><p>-REAL ACTION-<p>

Booker finally makes a decision, after a few seconds, to throw the ball at the announcer.

Booker: I've got something for you, son of a bitch!

Booker prepares to throw the ball at the announcer. For no reason, the same policemen Booker teased earlier stop him from throwing the ball.

Policeman #2: It's him!

Policeman #1: The initials!

Jeremiah Fink: Ahh, isn't that the backstabbin' False Shepard?! Police! Show him what you've got!

The policeman with the Sky-Hook, also known as Policeman #2, slowly drags the hook into Booker's face, but he is stopped shortly.

Booker: I AM the danger!

Booker throws the baseball into the sky as he drags Policeman #1 into the other policeman's Sky-Hook. His face gets torn apart and he is left dead. Booker then takes the Sky-Hook from the policeman's face and wears it on his left arm.

Jeremiah Fink: The False Shepard has cut loose! Stop him! Stop him!

Booker looks around to see that the citizens have magically vanished.

Booker: What the fuck?!

A random policeman randomly pops out and randomly-

Booker: Would you shut the hell up?!

Wha?! What the fuck! I wrote the story! What do you think I am? A slut?!

Booker: Yes, bitch. Go eat on your shit.

Why, why, why?! I worked so hard on this fanfic, and you hate it?! And me?!

Booker: Duh, I hate this fucking part.

Oh, fuck off, Booker. If you say anything that disrespects me ONE MORE TIME, then I'm gonna replace you with my OC!

Booker: Fine, you asshole.

Okay, and that means that the right choice shall remain chosen. Ahem. The policeman who had the Sky-Hook, tries to attack Booker, but fails horribly by getting his dong, he has just expanded, and his face ripped off.

Jeremiah Fink: I still hate my life.

Booker runs to the bridge that leads to Monument Island, only for it to close before Booker even gets to take a step on it.

Booker: Goddamnit!

Booker approaches another policeman and beats him up.

Booker: Better find another way...

3 policemen approach him but they weren't lucky when trying to fight him.

Booker: I need to find the girl!

Booker goes right and approaches a wagon. He eats the contents from it along with the salts bottle.

Booker: Mmmm...

Then, he hears gun shots and finds out where it's coming from - The 6th policeman!

Booker: Run.

Booker pounces onto the policeman and slices his head off with a stolen Sky-Hook. He picks up a pistol.

Booker: Cool! This is as good as Half-Life 2!

Booker approaches a Dollar Bill vending machine.

Booker: I'm hungry for salts! Gimme some!

Booker gets attacked in the back by a policeman. Booker turns back and beats the policeman up with the Sky-Hook.

Booker: Goddamnit! Now I want a Sandvich! Ooh! Voxophone.

Booker runs up to the 2 cages with Nicolas Cage masks inside and eats the Voxophone between them.

Jeremiah Fink: (recording) I told you, Comstock - you sell 'em paradise, and the customers expect cherubs for every chore! No menials in God's kingdom! Well, I've a man in Georgia, who'll lease us as many Negro convicts as you can board! Why, you can say they're simple souls, in penance for rising above their station. Whatever eases your conscience, I suppose.

Booker: This is nothing but a steaming pile of shit.

Booker goes back to the vending machine to buy Possession aid.

Booker: Cool! Now I am able to make assholes commit suicide!

Booker boards the small airship, only to be riddle by bullets.

Booker: Oof! Ow! D'oh! Where is it coming from?!

Booker spots an gun robot, the one shooting at him. He blasts some Possession on the robot and it stops shooting Booker.

Booker: Phew...

The policemen jump aboard the airship off the Sky-Lines, only to get pulverized by the Gun Automatron Booker has turned it against.

Booker: This is awesome! Anyways, better stop messing the fuck around and find the girl!

Booker enters the streets of Shady Lane by exiting the airship with style.

Booker: Now that's what it's called: MLG!

Booker rams through the fireworks, policemen, hot dog wagons and Gun Automatrons. He then stops at the gate.

Booker: That was easy.

Policeman: He will burn him to death!

Booker: What the fuck?! I'M GONNA WRECK IT!

Booker kicks the gate open. Suddenly, when he takes one step, the streets on the other side of the gate light on fire for no reason.

Booker: GODDAMNIT! THIS SHIT IS BUGGED WORSE THAN FUCKING NINJABREAD MAN!

The fiery-looking figure lands infront of Booker. His voice is as deep as a Big Daddy's.

Fireman: _RAWR_! I am the Fire-fucking-man, here to burn yo' arses down to the ground! LITERALLY!

Booker: Oh...

Booker is suddenly lit on fire by the Fireman with a simple touch of a finger.

Booker: ...SHIIIIIIT! AHH! OW! MEDIC! MEDIC!

Booker rolls on the floor screaming, until a few seconds, he dies. Booker finds himself behind a black-and-white door.

Booker: DAMNIT! This is my first time I've died! Now I'm ending up wasting my $25! I WANT IT BACK YOU COMMUNIST BASTARDS!

Booker pulls out a sledgehammer and breaks the door open using it. He steps back onto the spot he died.

Booker: Stop, hammer time!

The music "U Can't Touch This" plays as Booker moonwalks to the Fireman as he watches in disbelief.

Fireman: Hah. Ridiculous shit. Got anything 'bout that, funny man?!

Booker: Can't touch this.

Booker bumps into the Fireman and begins whacking him.

Fireman: Ow! Stop! Stop-_EEYOW_!-fucking me up! Okay fineyou win! Here's the goddamned Devil's Piss vigor!

The Fireman disappears into the Devil's Kiss vigor and a box stuffed with healthkits.

Booker: Can't touch this.

The music stops playing. Booker then opens the box and eats the healthkits inside.

Booker: Yummy! Tastes like pizza from Freddy Fazbear's Pizza!

Booker spots the vigor next to the box.

Booker: Lucky me!

Booker then picks up the vigor and opens it.

Booker: Well, YOLO.

...and drinks all of it's contents.

Booker: Wait, I drank something funky.

In his vision, Booker's hands light on fire and he screams in extreme pain. Tears started to leak from Booker's eyes.

Booker: Oh god! Please! Make it stop! Make this time-wasting shit stop!

Booker's hands extinguish, reconnecting him to Columbia's.

Booker: That was stupid.

Suddenly, demonstration video.

Narrator: Press to throw fiery shit. Hold and release to leave fiery shit out for assholes o step on

It then ends.

Booker: Boring!

Policemen: Halt, motha' fukkah.

Booker: Huh?

A trio of policemen pop out of nowhere and try to shoot Booker down, but they receive an unpleasant surprise.

Booker: Surprise!

Booker throws shitloads of fire grenades at the policeman. They then die of fire.

Booker: That was easy.

Booker runs inside the Blue Ribbon restaurant and ignores the 3 film viewing stands. Yet there is nobody inside, he sees the man and the woman from before, only with one difference. The woman herself is now wearing the same superheroine suit GoGo Tomago donned in the CGI-animated film Big Hero 6 with 1-wheel roller skates on. She's also carrying a yellow potion with a symbol on a plate. She, as well, has a terrified look on her face, but her voice remains the same. The man is barely looking different, except he's wiping the table. with stools surrounding the front.

Lady: Am I the only one attending the 2015 Annual Comic-Con International on April 5th?

Gentleman: Yes you are, my girl.

Lady: Will I find it hate to skate around these?

Gentleman: Not in a few years.

Booker slowly walks up to the lady and notices that the lady's legs are heavily shaking.

Booker: (_thinking_) Is it wrong that I'll find this pussy slipping and sliding and falling on her ass funny every single time? Nope, it's not.

Booker slowly picks up the potion and drinks it whole. Just as he's finished drinking and now equipped with a yellow, invisible shield, the woman's right leg breaks, causing her to fall on her face like a pie-to-the-face. Both men laugh with Booker ROFLing as the woman begins crying. She now has a cold voice, colder than Mount Everest.

Lady: (_crying_) Why have you betrayed me, Robert?

Will Booker find his way to the girl? Find out next time on the next chapter!


	5. Soldier Escapade

_I don't own Assassin's Creed, Contrast, DragonBall Z, Far Cry 4, Grand Theft Auto, Major League Gaming, Mario, Mega Man, Moonbase Alpha, Minecraft, Portal, Team Fortress 2, The Stanley Parable and The Three Stooges._

* * *

><p>-SOLDIER ESCAPADE-<p>

After laughing for 2 minutes straight, Booker and Robert stop.

Booker: That was funny!

Lady: No it wasn't.

Booker: Can I test your stupid durability?

Lady: Don't you dare.

Booker points his gun at the Lady and shoots. The moment the bullets land on the woman one-by-one, the bullets instantly ricochet one-by-one as well and leaves the woman unharmed.

Lady: You missed.

Booker: Fuck! These assholes are invincible! Just like the Met bullshit from Mega Man!

Robert: Then stop wasting your time and rescue the girl, which you failed at over 9000 times.

Booker: Fine.

Booker runs to a Salts bottle and eats it, then cartwheels behind the bartender table and eats the Silver Eagles from, and dashes into the kitchen. He sees no signs of people inside, but a Voxophone, hot dog and a stack of Silver Eagles. He eats all three in 3 seconds.

Ed Gaines: (_recording_) Father Comstock called on me today to write his biograph. Me! The man pays for exactly 100 pages, in advance. Now, I'm half a Jew when I smell silver, so I say, I say: "Father, your flock would pay for a thousand, you know. Why settle for less?" And then, the Prophet looks to me and says, "One hundred will suffice, as I know how it ends.

Booker then runs to the balcony in the back of the Blue Ribbon restaurant and sees the airship.

Airship PA: Blood on our shit! And worst is the insult, because today is the day that marks our secession from the Sodom Below!

Booker: Fuck this.

Booker jumps as high as Mario did onto the hook on the other flying building. His Sky-Hook immediately attaches after colliding.

Booker: Oh my fucking god! What the fuck?!

Booker does another Mario-like jump onto another hook.

Booker: Oh my god... That hook I stole GTA-style... It's amazing!

Booker does 2 more high jumps before pouncing onto a white-dressed policeman, instantly killing that person.

Booker: Haha! Just Like Assassin's Creed!

Booker steals a machine gun and ammo for the weapon from the crates. He then jumps into a toolbox stuffed with a pineapple, eating it whole.

Booker: Yummy.

Booker streaks around the rooftop of the building, still with clothes on, until he bumps into 3 Founder soldiers.

Booker: Hey asshats! Who the fuck are you?!

Founder Soldier #1: We're the Founders, son of a bitch.

Founder Soldier #2: Whatever happened to the Vox fucking Populi?!

Founder Soldier #1: They got rekt by our MLG skillz. Why are you asking that during combat?

Both Founder soldiers get mowed down by the bullets of Booker's stolen machine gun.

Founder Soldier #3: You're gonna pay!

Booker is suddenly shredded by a stream of bullets coming from the guns of the Founder soldiers. Booker pounced onto the Founder soldier to devour him.

Founder Soldier #2: Oh my god! He's a man-eating glutton! Run!

The Founder soldiers inadvertently commit suicide by jumping off the building like idiots.

Booker: Huh. Idiots. Never failing to make me laugh failing at doing shit.

Unfortunately, there was another stream of them running towards Booker.

Booker: Oh shit!

Booker begins to see powerful bullet blasts from one of the soldiers in the swarm.

Booker: A shotgun, eh?

Booker mows down the charging group with the gun he's holding.

Booker: Again, easy!

Booker notices the shotgun on the ground. Booker walked up to it and picked it up, swapping out his pistol for it.

Booker: Feel the pain of this powerful weapon!

Airship PA: Just like in the prophet's words, the False Shepard has come here to take the lamb of Columbia and lead her into the ruins of Aperture Science!

Booker: Holy shit!

After shitloads of seconds of shooting, eating, running, coin dinners and masturbating, Booker busts through the windows on the rooftops into the Lansdowne Residence.

Booker: Woah! What the fuck?! Did I crash BioShock Infinite's dimension plane into Contrast's?!

Booker sees nothing but a king-sized bed, a chest from Minecraft with a lock on it, a table, bookshelves, a furnace and ofcourse, a double-door with 2 windows in between.

Booker: Nope. Just my imagination. What the...

Booker is astonished by the chest. He wondered what would be inside.

Booker: I'd better open this piece of shit!

Booker pounces onto the chest and tries to open it. However, it's locked.

Booker: DAMNIT!

Booker whips out his axe and tries to break open the chest. However, again, for no reason, the chest is seemingly undamaged and the axe breaks apart.

Booker: FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! Is this a fully-destructible environment?! FUCK NO! I'm not going to find that stupid key!

Booker runs downstairs to inadvertently approach a stupid resident and then eventually running in another room to find and eat a Voxophone. He stops when the recording plays.

Byron Cotswold: (recording) Otis works up at the lodge part-time. He took this box from one of their secret ceremonies, and I know for sure there is something dear inside. Problem is, Otis is more fool than not. He didn't bother to also secure a key from the feathered brothers to open the damn thing.

Booker runs outside the residence, but on his way out, he eats a bunch of Silver Eagles. Booker finds himself on a small balcony.

Booker: You think this is as funny as the Three Stooges?! NO!

Booker pounces onto a hook 5 feet above him. He then lands in another one, but bigger and with chairs and tables on it.

Booker: Phew. Wasn't so bad after all.

Booker walks into what we're calling the residence "Montgomery Residence". Inside, he finds himself in a bedroom.

Booker: Huh.

As Booker sneaks into the kitchen, he hears a couple talk about Far Cry 4's box art.

Male: Did you hear it? Far Cry 4 is ruined!

Female: Why?

Male: It's because of the box art, son of a bitch!

Booker steps into the room they are in. The couple notices.

Female: Holy shit! You're the one who also hates the Far Cry 4 box art!

Male: Please! They're here! Run! It's for the-

Both people hear the loud bangs on the door.

Founder Soldier: Mr. DeWitt? Mr. Dewitt! Open the door... RIGHT NOW!

Female: (_whispering_) Be quiet...

Founder Soldier: Huh. Nothing inside. Move along, boyos.

Booker: Phew...

Booker takes a peak outside of the residence into Constitution Square.

Founder Soldier: There he is!

Booker: OH COME ON!

Gunshots unleash onto Booker as he spindashes onto the stage.

Booker: Oh man! I have only 1 health point left! I need to take a medkit from Team Fortress 2!

Booker pulls out a medkit and eats it.

Bookker: Ahh, better.

Booker blasts some Possession into the Gun Automatron and it shoots down the Founder soldiers.

Airship PA: Just like what Comstock had feared, the False Shepard is here to run Columbia into the ground!

After the soldiers are dead, Booker finishes off the automatron.

Booker: Phew. No more of that mess.

Booker then arrives at the Fraternal Order of the Raven after fighting off an unexpectedly appearing Fireman and eating a Voxophone, while having to suffer through the recording.

Booker: Well, I'm almost there...

Booker enters the very structure. Inside was a circular room of portraits, a bowl, and a shitload of ravens. They fly out of the building, flying through Booker.

Booker: Stop! Agh! Curse you black Archimedes!

The ravens have all flew out of the building.

Booker: Phew. Now, let's just stop wasting time and get the girl!

Booker jumps into a grand staircase, only to crash into a giant statue of John Wilkes Booth, who for no reason is alive.

John Wilkes Booth Statue: Get off of me!

Booker: Is this Night at the Museum?! NO!

The statue becomes static again and Booker slides off of it.

Booker: Okay, better get going.

Meanwhile, a black colored Zealot with a coffin on him is speaking to a group of blue Zealots. However, he appears to studder. Booker is on the balcony near the group, unnoticed.

Black Zealot: Uhhhhhhhhhhh...

Zealot #1: Why the heck is this guy speaking like these astronauts from Moonbase Alpha.

Booker instantly becomes infuriated over the black Zealot.

Booker: WILL YOU BE QUIET, BLACK-ASS?!

Zealot #2: It's him!

The black Zealot disappears, leaving Booker with blue Zealots.

Booker: Oh shit.

A (boring) minute later, Booker-

Booker: What the heck?! Why would you skip a minute of epic action?!

Oh my! I'm SO sorry, Booker. I was running out of ideas to choose from.

Booker: Don't mess up next time, okay?!

*sigh* Fine. Anyways, Booker picks up a Infusion near him.

Booker: Ooh! Pretty!

Booker drinks the Infusion, and then eats the empty bottle. His Salts capacity increased.

Booker: Awesome.

Booker walks into a library with 4 old-style workstations and tons of books about Booker. Wait, did that rhyme?

Radio Announcer: Shortly after 1o'clock this afternoon, the scoundrel - believed now by many Vox Populi - began his terrible rampage...

Booker: Boring!

Booker throws himself into the elevator. What will come next?


	6. Journey to the Top of Monument Tower

_This chapter is WIP._

_Sorry guys. The chapters are taking longer for me to do them because I have other stuff to do on other sites._

_I don't own Devil May Cry, Dresden Codak, Five Nights At Freddy's, Mario, Nintendo, Postman Pat, RollerCoaster Tycoon, The Three Stooges, Staples, Team Fortress 2 and the Terminator._

* * *

><p>-JOURNEY TO THE TOP OF MONUMENT ISLAND-<p>

Booker punches the button. The elevator ascends him to the 2nd floor of the structure. When he got out, he bumped into a wall with a Illuminati eye in the middle.

Booker: What the hell?!

Booker walks around the wall to see a set of double doors and a Vending Machine behind the same wall the eye is on.

Booker: Okay...

Booker walks up to the machine, inserts $36 worth of Silver Eagles and gets a health kit, eventually eating it right after.

Booker: Ahh. Now I feel like the Terminator.

Booker approaches the double doors and takes a peak inside. He sees Shigeru Miyamoto tied up to a big, wooden board with chains surronding him, and the other side of the double doors.

Miyamoto: No. Please don't do this! I'm no stupid!

Booker mercilessly watches as a clusterfuck of ravens rape the Japanese guy and leave him dead.

Booker: That's racist. Anybody who does that are a thousand tons worth of horseshit.

Booker kicks the doors open, breaking the chains.

Booker: Hey ass-

Booker sees the indoor garden with 2 dead people with races different from the American race.

Booker: ...hole.

Suddenly, the black Zealot appears in front of Booker.

Booker: Hey shitface!

Black Zealot: What is it, False-fucking-Shepard?!

Booker: Fire.

Booker throws a Mario fireball at the Zealot. He burns into oblivion, leaving behind a box and a vigor.

Booker: Hmm... What is this?

Booker drinks the vigor until it's empty and then eats the empty bottle afterwards. Booker sees a crow land on his left hand.

Booker: FUCK OFF, BLACK ARCHIMEDES!

The crow flies off his hand.

Booker: Phew...

Suddenly, groups of Founder soldiers come into the garden from the opposite side.

Booker. I bet this vigor sucks.

Booker unleashes a horde of ravens upon the Founder soldiers, who try to kill off the ravens, only to club themselves by accident to death.

Booker: Huh. That was easy. And ironic too.

Booker then wanders into a lobby by passing around a feminine statue. The lobby consisted of a broken vending machine, a glass display of a blue mailbox and some chairs.

Booker: Ugh, I wonder what this box will contain.

Booker breaks the glass display and devours the mailbox in a over-the-top style. Booker receives his first Gear, which is a Burning Halo.

Booker: Finally, something good. Thank you, Postman Pat.

Booker kicks the doors open and stumbles into a large, empty balcony. Some blue-colored airships surround the buildings.

Booker: Now where's the hook... There's the hook!

Booker leaps into the hook 10 feet from him. He leaps onto 3 more hooks.

Booker: I'm going to that stupid station over there.

Booker pounces onto the Founder solder. Once he was instantly killed with the touch of his Sky-Hook, he was it on fire and reduced into ashes.

Booker: WHOA! Look at that shit!

Founder Soldier: Free target practice!

Booker: Wha?

The Founder Soldier began shooting at Booker.

Booker: Oof! Ow! AAH!

Somehow, Booker manages to throw a fireball at that Founder Soldier. He stops shooting.

Founder Soldier: Wait... I'M ON FIRE!

He then jumps off the platform into eventually oblivion.

Booker: Loser. Never underestimate the power of the Fire Flower.

Booker runs upstairs and into the station, where he was approached by 3 Founder Soldiers.

Founder Soldier #1: Can you dance like a Butterfly?

The Founder Soldier is comedically plucked in his eyebrows by another Founder Soldier, who happens to be a female.

Founder Soldier #2: We ain't got time for , dickface!

Booker: ...Wha?

Founder Soldier #3: Uhh... Am I the only one who thinks Dresden Codak never ju-

Founder Soldier #1: Shut it, fuckface.

Founder Soldier #2: That's it!

2 Founder Solders duke it out against each other in a comedic style while the third watches in horror.

Founder Soldier #3: Someone just murder my vagina...

The third Founder Soldier begins to sob while Booker prepares a fireball in his hand.

Booker: Oh. I see. I'm gonna murder your fucking vaginas. Along with ALL the horseshit vaginas in here!

Booker throws it at the Founder soldiers, who are unfortunate enough to burn to death in a few seconds.

Booker: Hah! Fuck you, nerds!

Booker makes a run aross the station, passing a statue, only to encounter more Gun Automatrons and Founder Soldiers.

Founder Soldier: There he is! Attack!

Booker throws up Possession on the Gun Automatrons, causing them to shoot at the Founder soldiers. One of the gun turrets start to shoot the other, while the other does the same. They both blow up.

Booker: That was easy.

Booker scavenges for ammo and food from bodies and then eat 'em all afterwards. Meanwhile at a red Gondola, Booker arrives inside after a hard minute of looking for money, food and ammo, and of course getting Vigor aids.

Booker: (Sweating) I'm...so...tired!

Automated Driver; Sorry, Dante, but Monument Island is closed, but workwhores can still take the Sky-Lines.

Booker: Alright.

Booker jumps into the Sky-Lines, where his Sky-Hook connects to one of the lines.

Booker: Oh no... Not RollerCoaster Tycoon!

Booker plunges down the Skylines and then back up, where he sees giant ballons, and an arch-shaped building. He jumps inside the flying structure, landing on a Founder soldier using his Sky-Hook. He grabs a piece of cake and eats it.

Founder Soldier: Quick! Before we're fucked!

Booker shoots his shotgun at the other gut, who dies.

Booker: Ha.

Booker goes inside to find alcohol, Silver Eagles, and an infusion. For his second infusion, he upgrades his health.

Booker: Ahh, now I feel so strong.

Booker goes back on the Sky-Lines, and less then a minute later, slam into cargo boxes supported by Sky-Lines. He falls off the Sky-Lines and onto a Founder soldier who bursts into flames. Booker goes inside to pull the lever, making the boxes move, and scavenge, only to find a Voxophone. He eats it and it starts playing.

Comstock: (_Recording_) "And Lorde saw the wickedness of man was great. And he repeated he had made man on the Earth." Rain! Five days and Five Nights at Freddy's. And he left not a piece of shit that walked alive. You see, my friends, even Lorde is entitled to a de-ever. And what is Columbia if set another Ark. For another time?


End file.
